jdkh

So, with the kids being here, it was nonstop action. So much so that I never had time to get on the computer. The diet kind of went out the window too. I did manage to run on most days though. I haven’t been on my scale in probably two weeks. I know I’ve gained weight. I don’t know how much. I don’t want to know how much. I just want to get back to being healthy.

A few times we went to the beach with the kids, I was so upset because there were these girls who were able to wear bikinis, and here I was, shorts and a tank top, never able to wear a two piece in my life. And then it hit me,  that I will never be able to wear one due to my very long/large stretch marks. I envy those women who can wear them, even after having kids. I hope they know how lucky they are. My husband tries to tell me that I am exactly what he wants, but I just think that he would prefer someone with all my same qualities, except with a better body. Someone who can prance around in a two piece on the beach and be the envy of other guys.  I’m not sure I am ever going to love my body.

Tonight we had pizza because we were too tired to cook. It’s been nothing but fast food since we took the kids back this weekend to their moms house. How the crap do I get my butt in gear? I just want to eat right, and do more than the minimum amount of excersize. I’m so tired of fighting this!!

I’M FED UP WITH MY LAZY SELF!

So I’m pretty sure you can tell from my title what I’ve been eating lately. It’s been so hard with the kids here! I didn’t weigh myself today, nor did I run. But that was because my stomach was very upset when I woke up, and I cannot stand it when I am in the middle of a work out and suddenly have to go to the bathroom! I did go for a short walk after I got home from work though, so at least I did something! One day, I hope I get this right.

I managed to get up and run this morning. After not doing anything for five days while we were on vacation, I’m amazed at myself. Especially after yesterday, when I ran for about 30 minutes in the hot, hot garage and woke up to weigh in this morning and the scale said I gained more weight. So at least I got my butt moving this morning. I did good eating all day, until dinner that is. I always seem to eat more than I should, even if I’m full. I love the taste of food, so I just keep shoveling it in. I’m really hoping that I can eventually get that under control.  I found a new workout that came in my Shape magazine today. I think I’m going to give it a go tomorrow morning. I have been working out for about 40 min each morning, but I’m starting to understand that it’s gonna take more than just cardio for 40 min to see real results. I need to up it to an hour of running and get some weight training in there as well. I can dream, can’t I?

On a different note, going from no kids in the house to three kids in the house, all whom behave in a way I would never raise my own child to behave, is hard. Really hard! I’m tired of repeating myself over and over. Simple things such as turning off a light when you leave the room, picking up the markers on the floor, etc. I’m just frustrated. They are old enough  to know better. Well that’s my rant about that.

 Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Ok, so it’s not as bad as I thought, but not great either. I gained two pounds while we were on vacation. My husband doesn’t get to see his kids very much, so he thinks if he gives them whatever they want, they will want to stay with us and not go home. Hence all the eating out we did. It frustrates me because not only are we wasting money, but it’s not going to make them love him any more than they already do, and it’s making me fat! Of course,  I could make better choices at the fast food places, but for some reason  I just can’t make myself do it!

 This morning I got up to run, and it’s lunch time now and I’m still sitting in my workout clothes but have yet to run. Half of that is because my husband is at a going away for someone and I’m here watching the kids. The other half, I’m telling myself, is because it’s too hot out. Really I’m just being lazy. I swear to you, if I eat one thing I’m not supposed to, I gain a pound. That just makes me not want to do anything!

 However, while we were visiting with my grandmother, I found out that Breast Cancer runs in my family, on both sides. My grandmother is in stage four right now for breast cancer. She is starting to lose her hair and is very weak. The cancer has spread everywhere, including her brain. I guess my grandfathers mother died of breast cancer as well. It’s really starting to sink in that there is a very high chance that I will get it too. Faced with the reality of that, I am very scared. Now it’s more than just losing weight, it’s about trying to prevent cancer and other diseases. It’s scary real now, at least for the moment.

I also realized, that all the things I hate about myself, the way I get upset too easily and jump to conlusions, my temper, my thought patterns, etc, come from my grandmother, grandfather, dad and aunt. The people that I have spent my whole life trying not to be like have become the people that I am exactly like. I never realized it before, but this visit it dawned on me. All I want to do now is pull off all these layers, strip myself bare and start over. I know it’s going to be hard to change these things, because they have been drilled in my head for years, but I think I can do it. I need to do it. I need to be who God made me to be, not this person I am today.

We have been on this trip for four days now, and I have yet to eat on healthy thing. It was good in theory, but between traveling with three kids, memphis bbq, and authentic home made mexican food I have given in every time. Can you blame me? My self esteme is taking a beating from it though. We are currently heading to my grandparents house (the ones I told you about in my first post). We are not staying as long as we planned because they, along with my dad and aunt, have already begun to cause drama with me. If I stay to long I will wind up eating myself 50 pounds heavier. I’m pretty sure I’ve already gained a few pounds. Willpower, where have you gone?

Traveling is so hard. I don’t know why, but I always have to order the biggest meal on the menu I can find. I just have to have the most food I can get. But last night, I didn’t. I didn’t get the smallest meal either, but I did get the second smallest. I was proud of myself for that.

This morning at the hotel temptation hit again. They had bad for you food and healthy food too. The bad food won out, but thankfully I didn’t eat much of it. But still, why can’t I just say no?

I discovered this morning that I can update this blog from my blackberry so I will be sure to keep everyone posted!

Apparently my scale was tired of my complaining about it not going below 146.6, and this morning when I weighed myself, it said 146.4. I think it is mocking me. Thankfully I found the humor in seeing that number and got dressed and went for a run on the treadmill. For the next five days we are going to be out of state, so my scale will not have the chance to mock me. Take that scale, I hope you are lonley without me!

I spent all night packing for this trip, so thankfully there will not be much to do before we leave. I tried to go to bed earlier, but between me packing and my husband getting his uniform ready that just didn’t happen. Today I’m going to pack a healthy lunch and some good for you snacks  before we leave, so at least we will eat healthy for the first eight hours of the trip.

 Yesterday a co-worker let me try one of those Arby’s poppers, and man was it good! All fried and stuffed with Cream Cheese! Thank goodness she only gave me one.

 We had to drop our dogs off last night with a friend because one is too big and the other is too small (only eight weeks old!). I miss them so much already! I hate leaving them, they are such a big part of our family. 

Well I don’t know how much I’m going to be able to write over the next five days, but please pray that I am able to control my eating while we are gone!

This morning I got up and got on the scale. It has not budged. 146.6. I was so frustrated that I did not run at all. I did nothing but sit on the couch and watch an episode of Oprah. I almost don’t even feel guilty. Almost.  I’m just going to try to eat healthy and light today, hopefully that will help.

 Friday at noon we are leaving to go on a six day trip. I know there is not going to be much time for excersize during this trip.  Also, being on the road means that at some point we are going to be eating fast food. The drive through is always my weakness. I know I should pick the healthy thing on the menu but my mouth always shouts out the worst yummy thing it can find.  I’m going to give it my best shot, because I really don’t want to see that stupid scale go up anymore. Really all I want is for it to go below 146. 145 would make me happy. Just go down darn it!

Something I did see on Oprah this morning made me think though. It was an episode with Dr. Oz (love him!), and he was talking about how we need to get seven to eight hours of sleep a night for our bodies to lose weight.  I am getting around six hours a night. I don’t really know how to fix this though, because I have to work out in the morning or I will not work out at all. He said that naps don’t help because we don’t get to that deep REM sleep that we need in that amount of time.  But it’s really something I need to look into.

Dearest Scale,

 Yesterday you told me I was 149.9. Today you told me I was 146.6. You have fluctuated between these two numbers for weeks on end now. I am frustrated with you. And I thought we were friends! We can still work this out, all you have to  do is dip below 146. That’s just something for you to think about.

Yesterday I came across this site and I thought that it would be good for me to blog about my weight loss journey. To get started, I’ll give you a little background information about myself.

 I started out as a child with a normal healthy weight. My Mother and Father did not stay together, so when I was five I started going and spending the summers with my Father and Grandparents. That is when I started putting on weight. My Mother never bought any food that was concidered “bad” or “fattening”, and my Father and Grandparents always had this sort of food available in abundance to me. So when I was there, I ate and I ate a lot.  You would think that someone would see something wrong with an eight year old girl eating a footlong sub from the sub station in one sitting, but they did not. Every time I would come home to my Mother’s house, she would try to get the weight off of me, and the cycle continued from there. Thus started my battle with weight. I grew up very overweight, obtaining stretch marks that only a pregnant woman should have (there went my chance at ever wearing a bikini, which I am still bitter about to this day).

 In highschool I joined the Swim Team, and managed to lose a lot of weight and keep it off. After I graduated, because I still loved to eat, the weight came right back. Not too long after graduation I joined the Navy and went to boot camp, where I came out the skinniest I had ever been. Unfortunatly that did not last long for me, as I still had the appetite of a ravanous recruit but was not getting the excersize that bootcamp had provided on a daily basis. I wnd up getting hurt, and was placed on limited duty on a shore command where there was nothing to do. So I ate, and the weight piled on. I wound up being medically seperated from the Navy, and went on to be a stay at home Marine’s wife.  Being at home left me bored and frustrated, so I ate some more. I topped off the heaviest I had ever been at 190. I finally couldn’t take it anymore and decided to lose weight. I did pretty good, getting down to 140 before my marriage fell apart.

After divorcing, I met another Marine whom I started a relationship with. One year into that relationship he was in an accident that I was told he would not survive from. Many nights of not sleeping and endless days of sitting by his hospital bed waiting for him to move a finger or toe left me exhausted. The only thing that seemed to comfort me was food, and slowly the scale moved up to 166.  Thankfully he made a full recovery, and later that year after we got married I started to focus on myself again.  Unfortunately that next year he wound up in the hospital again, but this time I realized that the food could not make the situation better.

It’s been about seven months past that now, and I have struggled to keep my focus on myself. I pay a lot of attention to my husband, and I still have a lot of anxiety issues to deal with from the accident. I think I’m doing pretty well though, I’ve went from 166 to 149 so far. The scale has been stuck for about the last three weeks now and I’m trying not to get discouraged. I know I can do this, it’s just a matter of my mind.  This morning I pushed myself during my workout, which I haven’t done in a few weeks. I did stop a little early though, but that’s ok, at least I got up this morning!